


Bellamy and Desperation

by Ode_to_ships



Category: The 100
Genre: Angst, Bellamy really loves Clarke, F/M, Lots of Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-20
Updated: 2016-06-20
Packaged: 2018-07-16 04:01:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7251172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ode_to_ships/pseuds/Ode_to_ships
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bellamy's thoughts while he's fighting with Clarke, because he's desperate and he loves her. 3x05</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bellamy and Desperation

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever Drabble posted on here. And like I'm nervous, and I really hope you guys like it. If you do, I'll post more. I'll probably do that anyway.

“You left me”. That’s all that Bellamy is thinking while other words are spewing out of his mouth. You left me, you left me, you left me. She wasn't supposed to. She wasn't supposed to leave him alone to deal with the guilt and the anger. She wasn't supposed to deal with it alone. They were supposed to get through it together. 

He understood. He really did, but he's so pissed that she just left. A kiss on the cheek and a hug and she was gone. He had to pick up all the pieces. His, her mother’s, Jasper’s, his… And then he finally sees her and she has a gag in her mouth, her arms are tied, and her eyes are watering because she so relieved. Then she’s begging for his life. Then she's gone again. He had wanted to scream he was so frustrated. His leg hurt like hell, but all he could think was that he has to get to Clarke. He just has to. 

He wants to remember a time when everything didn't feel so desperate, and he can't. There has never been a time in his life where he hasn't been desperate, it’s just changed homes. He was desperate to save his mom, desperate to protect his sister, desperate to be free, and now he's desperate for Clarke, and however he can get her. Desperation is dangerous and he knows it, but he can’t stop it. He’d thought that maybe Gina would help with it. That she could temper the fire he always had going in his veins, but she couldn’t. And though he felt guilty for her death, he felt even worse over the fact that Clarke had never left his mind in the 3 months since she had left. He added it to the list of things to hate himself for. 

He’d gone after her of course, because that’s just who he is and what he does when it comes to her. He’s trying really fucking hard to stay away from words like love and desire. He thinks those words, and then he thinks her name, but he never puts them together in a sentence because then he’s admitted it, and he won't fucking do that. 

When they finally find her, she's dressed like a warrior princess. His heart starts slamming against his rib cage, beating hard trying to get out. He really fucking wants it to because then he’d die. He hates Lexa. Not just for abandoning them at Mt. Weather, but for making his warrior princess into her own. He really fucking hates Lexa. Then he wonders when Clarke became his warrior princess. All of that is shot out of his head when she tells him that she can't go back with him. He’s close to saying that he’ll pick her up and carry her out if he has to, but he knows that he can't. He hears himself telling her to come home, and what he isn't saying is “come home with me, to me, for me.” She doesn't hear his hidden message because she’s Lexa’s warrior princess now, and she says she's sorry. He’s so tired of sorry’s. He takes one last look at her, and his heart has definitely beaten out of his rib cage, but he isn't dead. And then he’s wondering if maybe he’s just supposed to be hollow, and it just took Clarke to get him there. He leaves. 

Now she's standing in front of him telling him that everything is over, and his lungs constrict because he just murdered 300 soldiers. It isn't over. It’s just started. And he’s angry. He’s livid. He wants to throw things, and scream. He doesn't. He’s throwing in her face all the horrible things she let happen, and then he says the words he doesn't really mean “You aren't in charge here, and that’s a good thing. Because people die when you’re in charge, Clarke.” As soon as he says them he regrets it because he knows, he knows, that was just doing the best she could, however fucked up it was.   
She starts crying and he’s torn. He wants to hate her more than anything. He can feel it burning in his veins, and his heart. But he can't. He has to turn away because if he looks at her, he’ll break down. He’ll comfort her and she doesn't deserve it. That’s that mantra he keeps repeating in his head as he walks over to her. Her hand is in his, and he's looking in her eyes, and he can't. He can't let her go again. He’s going to protect this girl until the day he dies, and he knows it. Whatever it takes. Maybe someday they’ll find forgiveness. Maybe someday Clarke and “I love you” will be in the same sentence coming out of his mouth when all this horrific shit is over. 

For now though, he’s going to protect her. He’s going to bring back his warrior princess. He’s going to watch her back even if she won't watch his. And as he’s thinking this, he realizes he’s screwed. Because he’s desperate, but he’s never been this desperate before. He knows she's going to ruin him, and he really fucking wants her to.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm impvlsivee on Tumblr! (:


End file.
